CLOSE TO THE LEDGE WITHOUT JUMPING
At 2007-10-17 on 4:17 p.m.
I really feel like im losing control of my life-my surroundings-my family-my health-my whole being-my happiness-my future and im almost at the point that I dont give a shit and that is sad! Its not a depression im feeling its more of a let down,i've lost control of things that are normal to me-a happy household,a happy husband,a productive son,not being able to relax and enjoy just an hour without having my head filled with worrys,major worrys! I've lost that urge to stay positive no matter what and try to find the humor in things-i cant even release my feelings with a tear-they just wont come but I know they are there and im scared when they do come its going to be bad but that may be just what I need...
So much is going on with the death of my aunt and that has all of us down-there is a trial next week and for what we're hearing he will be let out on that charge and this is really bothering me cause I want to be there sooooooo bad but before the trial date was set I've already told my husband that I would go with him to New Orleans for his schooling for a week and neither one of us wants to go but he has to to keep his business license by attending this school once a year-its usually fun attending but im not into it this year...this also brings back bad memorys....
2 years ago when my aunt Lucille passed away Crystal and my Aunt Jean came up for the service which Crystal had to throw a fit to get her mom to come to her own sisters funeral because asshole didnt want her to go...That is the last time I saw my Aunt Jean alive and I had to leave right after the service to go with my husband to Orlando for his schooling once again-my aunt begged for us to leave later cause she wanted to spend time with me and I couldnt-we had to go and i will forever hate myself for that and now im going to miss the trial for the domestic charges next week cause im going to be with my husband at this damn school...Its my choice to go with him-he told me that I could drive all the way to the trial and that he would go alone but I feel guilty in doing that too plus its a trial without jury so david is probably going to be in and out in no time and he might not even have to be present but we do have other family memebers coming in town for it and they are going to keep me posted...I just want to lay eyes on that bastard and I want him to see Jeans family is there for her in support....You have no idea unless you've ben thru this what a night we had last night/yesterday with all the calls, emails etc... to tv stations,womens abuse hotlines,every State Atty. in that area got a email from me with all the abuse pictures attached-the SA who is in charge of the case hasnt done shit but filed 3 extentions and he cant file anymore-he said he is waiting to get all his ducks in a row to present a case and that he really hasnt had the time to look into the case because he is working on another murder case which we learned yesterday was a lie-the woman at the newspaper who attends all these cases and writes about them and has access to everything said this SA hasnt had another murder case he isnt working on another one and he is a cocky sob too-my mom and crystal got ahold of his direct # from the detectives because they are calling us wanting to know what is going on cause they keep contacting him and he doesnt return their calls and they are suppose to meet him to give their info on the case-THEY KNOW DAVID DID IT-they have told us this over and over they have so much stuff on david is crazy and this SA is letting it go by the waste side by not doing his job...the newpaper lady told crystal that they dont like to take on these cases cause they usually lose because either the victim doesnt show up-well my aunt cant cause she is dead-are the evidence isnt enough to convict etc...its just not fair and trust me this family aint putting up with it-like crystal said-some of you will see us on the news if this doesnt go to trial-thats all we want-a trial by jury....
anyway i need to start dinner...on a good note our jags won this past sunday and it was a fun game-next up monday night football against the colts-go us!!!