LANDSLIDE.................
At 2008-05-05 on 12:18 a.m.
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you get bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down.
Of coarse those lyrics are from Stevie Nicks or the Dixie Chicks and its how im feeling now....
Yea my oldest son moved out yesterday-that within itself isnt hard for me to handle,I knew that would happen sooner or later and he is only about 2 hours away and he did spend last summer in Alaska with the grizzlys and dangerous seas which is much more terrifying if you ask me then going to college...But this time its probably forever and the beginning of changes that I dont have control over and its a double edge sword that your so proud of your kids and you know you've done your best to raise them and you cant wait to see whats ahead of them in thier lives but it doesnt make it easier to let go...
I think about the silly things like when i go to the grocery store tomorrow i'll be buying for one less person-the person that i usally always sat down to dinner with cause Doug usually works evenings and lately Stewart has been getting home late..I worry that he will go hungry or without things,I worry about the Ted Bundys in the world and college students,I worry about being alone when im so use to it being the 4 of us always...
This Sunday is Mothers Day which he was born on but this year his b/day falls on the day after-he said he is coming home for the weekend-to his empty room- and to a house that feels less like a home that im use to.
Other major changes are happening this week that i cant talk about yet so its just all hitting me at once-the reality that one day its just going to be me and Stewart and our dog bo and what if/when something happens to one of them or both of them and im all alone for good or if something happens to me and its just the hubby by himself..
Im not stupid to know that others have lost their kids forever and will never see them again and that breaks my heart and crosses my mind more then you could ever know when i write this entry or thier children are fighting in the war and are really far away and cant just pick up a phone to call them or text them or their kids are sick and fighting for their lives or wives are fighting to save their marriage and trying to hold it together for thier sake and their kids,and others ar making major changes in their lives for themselves for once even though its probably a scary step to make but they know its the right one,and others just lost a spouse and have kids to raise by themselves and trying to be strong for them when inside they are dying and want to let their pain show too,and others who have battle after battle fighting cancer and trying to stay alive and on top of that having to deal with a major loss in thier life and she still amazes me with her strength to fight and having family issues to deal with too,and then you have my cousin Crystal who turns 30 tomorrow-her first b/day without her mom and her son turns 11 later on this month which was the last time they saw my Aunt Jean alive....etc....
So should I feel like a fool about whinning about the changes that are happening in my family-on most days i would say yes-I usually dont let myself have self pity and as my motto goes "cowgirl up" this time I might let myself feel what im feeling and express it without guilt-the fear of the unknown scares the shit out of me even though it might not be as tragic as others-thank goodness-it still scares me and makes me want to run away and start over-im the kind who likes my space and being alone but I dont like being lonely at all-theres a big difference and thats what im feeling now lonely and i have no control over it-is this the beginning of my LANDSLIDE?????????